la bonne musique

i dont know about you, but every time i masturbate, i go pretty far out of my way to make sure the back of my hand smells like salty milk and coins. sometimes i have to settle for the water that keeps the tuna fresh in its can (similar odor, same kind of sexy). but if im not hungry when i ‘punch the pope’ then i’ve wasted what could have been a perfectly good sandwich. with habits like these, my sexytime ritual is getting pretty sticky, expensive and increasingly harder to explain to my roommate. “what man? im just hittin’ the shower with a tall glass of sour milk and your coin jar. i’ll put it back when im done. why you always judgin’ me bro?” so thank god the germans have found a way to help all the probably millions of guys who go through the same thing i do whenever they’re just trying to rub one out to the simulated smell of vagina on their hand.

enter vulva the original. cause nothing says sexy like bottled vagina. yep. you heard me. these crazy bastards rang out a couple south mouths and put it in a bottle for your masturbatory pleasure guys! just rub a little vulva scent on the back of your hand and be instantly transported to the last time your ass-clown brother shoved his finger under your nose like a stink trophy from his latest craigslist adventure.

i’d like to go on forever explaining this away as a revolutionary innovation, but i can’t. because its neither revolutionary, nor innovative. its just a bottle of vajayjay juice. seriously.

i highly highly recommend perusing the site for a while and checking out some of the images in the gallery, the merch they are hoping to sell and especially the video explaining the product. i like how the guy in the video seems perfectly content sitting in a chair sniffing his vag-in-a-bottle vs. bringin’ the pain to the two naked girls in the room with him. yeah. that dudes straight. and not creepy at all.